[Juhiv]

hello, i have a completely unrelated question to this. I m trying to upload my pic and it comes out too tiny each time…do u know a way to do it right? I know the pixel size etc, but it doesnt seem to work

thanks
J

[Juhiv]

Pooja,

men can be _____________….and more. Its just the way life is designed to dish out the choicest of greetings. but i guess what matters is that you seem to have made up your mind to move on, which is commendable, atleast that what it seems to me from your reply.

But i dont want to be hypocritical and advise you to just move on w/ your life, coz i wouldnt know what to do myself if my partner and i face the same situation in the future, we havent yet though. I would say you re special person to have taken the blow so well.

But we all here are with you. Take care and good luck with your UK visit.

juhi

[Juhiv]

rasmi/van/savvy/others,

wise is as wise does. i couldnt be at this place where i am today w/o my mum, w/o you all. so its a commendable effort by all.
savvy, i thank my stars everyday for my mother, but as you said ive too have given her buckets of grief in my days, being a hellion child that i was.

Van, thanks for the kind words, but no im not a journalist, im an auditor in a firm in DC. thats as far as it can get from being a journalist!

PS: i saw parineeta last week and was couldnt get my tongue in the`whole time saif was on screen. hes smokin!!!!

juhi

[Juhiv]

hello, swin is a pretty pretty girl!!…she deserves a great vacation u know van, let her have her own PC!..maybe not, but what a unique name you picked for her, howd that happen?..

give my love to her w/ an extra dollop of hugs and kisses

tc
juhi

[Juhiv]

Hi Savvy,

I am OK. thats a good way to describe it, though thanks so much for your concern. My long weekend was not what i expected it to be, it was actually better:) My thoughts have progressed to something spiritual, something larger than the seeming play of control and power his family has over this issue. Something larger and bigger than that is at work here, something we cant see and grasp right now, and ultimately something which i cant control, other than the fact i can control my thoughts and actions. I atrribute this to my mum. She is a deeply spiritual person, shes more spiritual than religious and mind your theres a difference. Though, shes been casually defining the the nuances of the bhagwad gita over the phone to me, shes pushing me more towards looking inwards than outwards. Shes made me realise that this is one of those rare moments in life that very few people get, where they realise the power of self relfection. Its hard at times for me honestly, coz all my i want to do is scream my lungs out, but then, she says “go ahead, do taht and then come back to your clean thoughts, thoughts that inspire you to be a better person. Apparently, there is no power like the power of self. Im yet to fully comprehend that.

Anyways, back to the long weekend. My partner recently moved from DC (i live in DC/VA area) to michigan for his MD residency program. I visited him. Spent 2 days w/o him at home (as he was working), cleaning up the mess that boys tend to make when left alone and then he took sun/mon off to spend time together. If u ask me id say i was not expecting to be feeling this calm and at peace at the end of it, but thats what i feel now. We spent our time being ourselves b4 this mess began. It was a little awkward to begin w/ as we both had our lingering thoughts,but then all it took was for him to push me in a duck pond near his house and we went back to being normal:) Before leaving, i had promised myself i would not let the craziness of the situation get to us and make the most of these 4 days together. Hes starting a new life over there and i wanted to be just there to support him and if he talks about us, then just hear him out w/o any judgements or opinions. And he did talk. twice, without provocation, saying, i dont know how this will end juhi, i dont know if my mother will ever diassociate you from your condition.

But as he was saying all that i felt no fear, no doubts, no hurt, just a deep sympathy and sadness for a woman whos self inflicting all of this pain on herself and those she loves. My mum tells me to include her in my prayers daily. To pray for her peace of mind. I started to do that and guess what… i felt better about myself!! It was a great feeling knowing that the doors that seemed closed to me have been opened, by me, on my own. thats where the power of self starts from i guess. My fear of losing him is gradually dimming. The future does not look that ominous anymore. I just hope that it stays that way.

More on hearing now, as my senior consultant is peeking over my shoulder constantly.

juhi

[Juhiv]

Amen to that!!…..

all the more true because there is no tragedy like the demise of a spirit, yours or mine.

keep these coming savvy

Juhi

[Juhiv]

Pooja, ive been reading your posts. You may have read about my bollywood saga too. It has the making of a sharukh starrer. Anyways, if u think, ure alone in that boat, look behind you, im hanging on with one finger and that too in the water. Yeah, its dramatic, but thats the way it feels, doesnt it? Everything is falling apart around you, no one truly understands, and lastly is it really worth? Cost outweighing benefits sort of thing. Now, all that i m going to say here only stands if the situation is still redeemable in some way or that your man has not been married yet.

So……, It literally comes down to, is someone going to die becuase of this? Is it his father, his mother, my mum,my dad, etc. However, in it all, theres one thing that we missed, the power or influence that parents have or exercise over their kids. Truly, if my mum or dad used this precise moment in my life to drill it into me that theyre diabetic and heart patients, (and they are), having gone thru numerous dramatic situations before, firstly i would commend them of being much more smarter and crafty than the CIA, and secondly ask them, “if i do not do this, will you live till the age of 100, coz taths what i would like to see in return”. its sound stupid actually really dumb, but do u see the point? Its simple. If your partner thinks the moment he breaks of his engagement to move twds you that someone will drop dead, (i hate to sound callous saying this), ask him to think again. What are the odds of that happening? Or one can hope, it wont ever happen.

I may be going round in circles here, but from my side, I would say, snatch him. If you have found someone with the strength and conviction to carry your partnership without a care in the world, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING GIRL!!!!!…..i agree with sanjay, be selfish. Only coz u know that your mans unshakable faith in you, tahts got to be worth something.

Chances once missed, hard to come by again. Think and act accordingly, i would say.

Let us know where its all at now.
Juhi

[Juhiv]

Thanks Neesha, yep, its people here on the website that are my real strength through it all. i thank god for them everyday. My positive attitude is a result of thumbs up of people like rasmi, van, savvy and so many others who are praying for me silently. That has got to work some time!!

further, whats even more fantastic is the fact that no one has given me ill advise on his parents. no one has told me,”…. u know what… “@#$%^$ them…move on”….if anything, im realising becuase of this website that this is one opportunity in my life to which i can look back and say to myself, “hmm, i was the only one who acted like an adult in that mess, unlike the rest of them”….thats a great ego boost…

anyways, keep writing, later
J

[Juhiv]

Hi again, Van, Savvy, Rasmi, all,

I have conditioned myself over time to have an attitude that works for me. Maybe it comes across as mature but i also dont want to sound like a hypocrite and say that all this does not bother me, coz it does. It firstly makes me mad as hell at times, second, it drives insane thinking, “what the hell was he thinking!!!” and often third, “oh well, is this all even worth it?” But then, u tend to rationalize it all in your mind some way or the other and force yourself to look at the good part. Its literally forcing your mind to shut down to the worst possible scenarios that keep popping up. this is the only way i can describe it.

i want to thank you all for showing your faith and encouragement to me. Its too early to say, but my partner is so fed up of this whole issue, that he wants to get away from it all. I would too. Call it paronoia, but it feels he sort of is moving away or distancing himself, but then if you think about it, anybody would need space in his situation. I m trying to be myself, you know like, be normal, talk about normal mundane stuff, get a luagh out of the conversation if possible. In fact, yesterday i mentioned to him jokingly that my mother said to me that “why dont you 2 have a baby right now and leave him there, how will his folks resist that??” To that he said, “is my home some kind of orphanage or what?” u wont find a baby basket hanging outside the door” these kind of moments lighten up the mood, sort of destress us. Even when he said, ” u know what, ull be fully depigmented in some time, why dont i take you home then and say heres a gori i want to marry, u may want to consider her”….that is what i found funny, coz he was for a second sounding serious. I was like, “go get your head checked doctor”.

Dont know, cant say. Expectations are very low, ambitions are medium but aspirations are high. Together, we make a dynamite pair, apart we feel lost. Though, we indeed will be lucky to survive this.

PS: hmmm, maybe i should send a gold tea set to his mum with my fren, im told gujratis are into gold a lot:)….hehe

Thanks again!
Juhi

[Juhiv]

All (Rasmi, Van, Savvy, others), thanks for all your responses.

Though, why do i feel this whole issue is a ticking time bomb? Im trying really hard to be strong for myself and my partner, but he is sort of buckling under the pressure it seems. With the “how long can this go on?”, “they have made up their minds, and will not change ever..they have given me ultimatums and warnings about the worst”, “i dont think i can stand this presurre” and ultimately “i cant put my needs ahead of my parents, they wont survive this” sort of talk.

I know and understand he literally feels under attack… from all sides. His family and now his frens have given a thumbs down to our association, even though his frens have known me for some time now. Only becuase they wont marry a vittie, theyve projected that opinion onto his folks, saying that if they were him ,they wouldnt commit to me. Go figure. As if we had nt already had enough. All the more reason for his folks to go loony.

Im feel very fortunate when i think of my family, my older sister , younger bro and my parents. They re rock solid behind me all the way. infact, if you speak to my mum right now, I am probably the best thing to have happened in this planets history, her being my biggest champion and my fan. Me…the savior, messiah..blah blah born to save mankind from its depths of misery….though its good to hear that kind of talk. And that’s when I feel that my partner deserves some love, support and encouragement too like I am. Even though, I know I cant make his mind up for him, nor can I be held responsible for his decisions and behavior, I am uncertain how to react or handle his gradually loosing faith and his ground. After all, if he loves me, he will wait for however long it takes. Just like I am willing to.

PLease advise.
J

[Juhiv]

pankaj, its great to hear a voice of wisdom in this whole madness. Forgive me for being dramatic, but this email chain has hit too close to home for me to not say anything here.

Most of you may have read my “want to get married but his folks……” post. Needless to say, ignorance has the feet of a child, it keeps running away with imagination. Better yet, what we dont know we fear. Though I have some food for thought on the issue of normality for people who are concerned about passing the condition on to their children, or worse, don’t think should have kids because of it.

Whats not “normal” or whos not “normal”?? Is is “deviation from the norm” or “the perception of an aberration”. Am I aberrant due to my condition or my childs or am i errant in thinking that i am or theyre not normal due to their condition? Is it that we as parents have conjured up expectations of having “normal” or “near perfect kids” or is that the childs mind is a mirror reflection of their parents expectations? Is it because we grew up thinking we are infallible to oddities or is it taht our children deserve our love and respect in any way, shape and form despite all irregularities that we or they may have? On top, does family pedigree forsake familial relationships of love, support and encouragement?

Point being, appearances breeds perceptions, perceptions breed ignorance and ignorance breeds fear. Which takes me back to the point. We fear what we don’t know.

As it is its not easy for a child to hold up to the so called traditional expectations of a parent. Burdening the child psyche with lack of knowledge due to your fears, robbing them of a life well deserved and hard earned, turning them into a projection of your own insecurities is not criminal, it’s a sin.

My kids (im a vittie for the past 20 years), if I have any, like us deserve to not only know theyre special, but that they re special because they ve have what others do not have- “compassion”. That’s really whats theyre genetically predisposed to. Though, in a warped way, that’s what makes them abnormal, coz isnt that whats missing today? Theyre bound to stand out in a crowd because of it.

If anything, Ill be proud of the fact that my child turns head becuase of this condition.

Juhi

[Juhiv]

Hi Savvy, that is most resassuring. Like others on the site, you ve added another pearl of wisdom to my thinking. Its people like you who are the real pillars of strength thru an ordeal like this.

I am going to hang in there, as I have waited long and fought hard to find a good thing such as the love of this man. I m not willing to give in now, not just yet anyways. I just hope he gets as much strength from this as he needs.

Thanks to you all!

J

[Juhiv]

Rashmi/Van,

thanks for that. It feels good to know that everyone in general is behind us. But it means a lot more to me from you guys as who would understand it better than. like i said before, i want to be strong and firm and pretty much a saint about all this, but its difficult. I must admit though that both my partner and I almost buckled under the pressure. We instantly thought “whats the point, lets part ways”, it will happen sooner or later”. but i refuse to give in to blind prejudice and ignorance, and he agreed to stick it out for now. though it hurts me to see that hes really embarrassed for her on top of being emotionally torn b/w this. im slowly realising now that it will take time and we need to leave the issue alone for the time being and concentrate on the good. If not time, then some divine intervention or miracle of nature.

Rashmi: Dont think she will even consider seeking another opinion from dermat. as it may just proove that her frens a fool:) her ego may become an issue and that may make things worse. A very good frend of mine who lives near her township in india, said that she wants to go and talk to the mum personally about me and also take the most reputed derma. in the area with her to speak to the family about the whole vit issue, inside out. i think its a good idea, but my partners against it as he fears that his mum may turn them out of the house!! if not that, then accuse him and me and them of orchestrating the whole scene to corner her into submission. On top, the dermat will be from our side, so his intervention could be thought of as engineered or schooled, ie we taught him stuff to say. I know all this sounds quite hopeless, but i really dont think it could be any worse than it already is, but whos going to convince my partner of that!! But rightfully he wants the issue to boil down a bit b4 we take another step.

sooooooo, at this stage, we re letting it calm down in the hope that it will. call me paranoid , but i feel shes like a wounded tigress right now with a bad attitude:) and will not stop till she gets what she want. i think im overreacting here so ill stop.

Thanks again, rest on hearing.

[Juhiv]

yes they do know now, and what a disaster! Its very recent still, actually just 4 days and we re all reeling under the massive emotional upheaval of it all. My partner, his parents and myself i guess. I was nt the one who told them btw, my partner did. I have nt even spoken to them ever.

Mums reaction was as knee jerk as it could get. Total and utter shock, disbelief and then a traumatic realization that genetics play a role in this. Mum went on a emotionally violent spree, threatened to stop eating, drinking, disown my partner if he has anything to do with me anymore. My partner was completely unprepared for this, as he miscalculated the risk of informing them. Its been blown to such tragic proportions where ive been apparently demonized for seducing him, decieving him and ruling his mind, if you believe that!! Morever, some doctor frend of the mum whos a dermatologist with apt timing told her that people with vitiligo should never have kids. the devils spawn, u see. My partner whos a doctor is more dumbfounded as he cant believe his mothers reaction, but as every obedient indian son who cant desert his family is lost and facing blows from all fronts. though, still standing strong, im proud to say. I dont think hes ever faced such an onslaugh, where his sanity is being questioned too..and from what he says, at this stage, shes as far from reason as mouse is from a cat.

Life has come to a standstill suddenly due to this ignorant misguided person whos only aim in life now is to seperate me from her son, only coz she has the fear of unknown. And wait till you hear more!! she thinks that people with vitligo are mentally disturbed and unstable due to their condition. We are just a bunch of pitiful, sad dejected and lonely human beings who cant help but drown all others around them in their misery!!..can u believe this!!..the sheer ignorance and block mindedness of this whole issue astounds me.

So what do i think of all this I say “phooey” to all!! I m not shocked nor do i resent her. Im certainly surprised at the lack of compassion that some folks have, but i guess for her its all driven by fear, fear of losing her son, fear of losing her social standing, fear of losing a chance of having “normal” grandkids, whatever her definition of normal is. i think she needs to be destressed and detoxified so her shock gradually turns into accepting the inevitable. She needs time i guess and education. I want to be a bigger person here and come out of feeling that shes been redeemed and rerisen:)…or one can hope.

I would like suggestions or input from all of you out there, who can better prepare me and my partner more to come, coz its certainly not over., not by a long shot, if she can help it.

Help us in doing the right thing by us and then by her, as i know shes the one who needs it and not me. My arms are open willing and accepting of her. Should i keep them that way? if yes, then for how long? And when will enough be enough?????

[Juhiv]

I was away for a few days, hence the delay in replying.

Rasmi: Thanks for your reassuring email. I guess it comes down to how I percieve myself at the end of the day, as thats whats projected outwardly on others. Fortunately, I have always thought of my self as a confident, smart, ambitious individual with compassion and the ability to see things from the other perspective. I attribute all of this to a wonderful support structure i found in my family and friends, who never made me feel I have “one less”. Honestly, if anything, I think I can be vain at times, but suppose thats just an involuntary compensating reaction.

As for informational material, I have been researching this condition since I was 10 yrs old, as I have had it since I was 8. I can safely say I can wave all the black and white stuff in their faces, if need be:) My partner himself is a doctor and tahts makes things a lot easier for us, medically speaking. Its only the social conditions that people from small townships in india relate this problem to, is what worries me, as i am sure it did you.

The question about depigmentation. I have just started the depigmentation process a month an a half ago. Doc says taht with the speed of progessive depigmentation is naturally high, so the benoquin cream will only hasten the process. With consistent application, I am told in another 6 months, I should be depigmented completely. And I am really looking forward to that. It will be a new kind of freedom.

Thanks to Jai too for his timed humor.

[Author]

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